(I wrote this article in 1990 and it was published in “Home Life Magazine”, by Broadman Press, the Baptist Publishing Company, which was located in Nashville, TN.)

 MARRIED TO A NONBELIEVER

This person needs encouragement and love – not criticism

How does a church member respond when introduced to a new woman who comes to church without her husband?  What do you say to the gentleman who brings his children to church but whose wife does not come with him because she is an atheist?

I have been married to a nonbeliever for ten years.  I have found that, at times, Christians respond to this with some misconceptions.  Here are some wrong responses I’ve experienced and some guidelines for including these men and woman in the life of your church.

1. Nonbelieving spouses are not all monsters!  Just because a woman discloses that her husband is not saved, don’t automatically assume he is a drunken wife-beater.  He may be the nicest guy around.  Often, I’ve had responses such as “Oh, how awful!” or “You poor thing.”
2. Word your response carefully.  I’ve heard, “Well, why on earth don’t you just invite him to church?”  In the ten years of my marriage, that thought has not only occurred to me but been just about worn out.

One of the most arrogant and thoughtless responses is “We’ll just pray him in.”  This suggests that either we haven’t prayed for him or that our prayers are just not as effective as their prayers will be.  It also implies that he has no part in the decision, thus negating free will.

3. Don’t rush in.  So many people have read the “Four Spiritual Laws” to my husband (myself included) that I know he could quote it.  He just doesn’t buy it, and that’s his choice.

My husband has literally barricaded himself in a room when I had a get-together for my Sunday School class.  He said he’d had enough “Bible thumping.”

Most of us spiritually single people do, however, receive strength and comfort from fellow Christians.  Here are a few suggestions of ways you may help:

1. Instead of rushing in, take time to build relationships.  If an unbelieving woman is married to a Christian, she has not only heard the gospel but has seen it lived before her.  Why not do her the honor of giving her your time and friendship?

If there are children involved, what better way to involve yourself in this home but through those children, who have a special place in the non-Christian’s heart.  Include them in a trip to the zoo or a movie.  They need to see the example of whole families united in Christ.  My oldest child was amazed to see a father say the blessing when she spent the night with a friend!

2. Invite them to sit with you during worship.  I remember sitting near the back of the church watching as husbands put their arms around their wives.  I saw an occasional pat on the back and exchanged smiles.  I felt very awkward until I met other women my same circumstances.  Some were married to non-believers; others had husbands whose presence was required elsewhere during the services.
3. Be very careful about offering unsolicited advice.  Job’s friends were true friends at first.  They just sat silently with him.  The trouble stated when they began to accuse.  They only added insult to injury.

Let’s not do the same.  I’ve had friends who were in extremely stressful situations.  These women needed encouragement.  Too often myself and others have heard that if we were only living Christ-centered lives, our husbands would have been won by now.

Christ himself lived for thirty years under the same roof with numerous siblings; none of them were won to his way.  Until after his resurrection, none believed that Jesus was what he claimed.  Even afterward we have an account of only two ever accepting his lordship (see John 7:5).

If he can’t do it, neither can I.  Again, they were allowed to make their own choice (free will).

If being Christ-like will guarantee success, then what did Christ himself do wrong those years he traveled with and lived with Judas?  Judas saw the Savior perform miracles, had front row seats to the Lord’s sermons and, best of all, knew him on a close, personal level.  Though I wish I had a biblical guarantee of my spouse’s salvation, it doesn’t pan out scripturally.

This method can indeed be successful at times; Joseph was unsuccessful with his influence in Potiphar’s house but convincing among some of the prisoners with whom he was forced to live.  Each person is accountable for his or her own choice concerning Christ’s offer.

4. Understand that the non-believer may not feel comfortable at many functions and will probably not attend as frequently as we may like.  Our church has progressive dinners for couples who eat at each other’s homes.  Some non-believing spouses may consider this an opportunity to socialize for an evening.  Others, like mine, would prefer to be cooked in oil.  Understand and don’t press when they decline invitations.

A whole lot of acceptance without pressure can work in this or any uncomfortable situation.  We all have settings which are unique in one way or another.  We often feel that others just can’t understand how things really are.  This is where the old adage of walking in another’s moccasins for a mile makes great sense.

As for the unsaved spouse, there are two things that all of us can do, two things I remind my children of daily:  Pray for him and love him.  We hope that our home does this with the loving support and understanding of our church.  Someday I hope to write another article.  I plan to call it “Married to a New Believer!”

(Married name was “J. P. Rowe” which is what is listed in the article.)