ON BECOMING A DINASAUR (AND OTHER MUSINGS OF A LITTLE OLD LADY)

I used to teach a Single’s Sunday School class in a large church here in Birmingham. It was an 18-month study on I and II Samuel, and by this particular Sunday I’d already gotten to know the folks pretty well. So I was a little taken aback to see several of the men staring at my legs. Now I’m anything but a boring teacher so this was a bit of a puzzle. After a few minutes I also noticed a couple of the ladies looking at my legs too. I mused to myself, “Wow…should I go back and revisit David staring at Bathsheba?”
However, I continued to teach and chalked it up to my having awesome legs but knew in my heart what was really showing was cankles. I plunged on with the story of Rizpah guarding the hanging dead bodies and decided to, like Scarlett O’Hara, to think about it later.
That morning in a rush to get out the door I discovered my last pair of panty hose had a hefty run. I grabbed a very old bottle of ‘instant tan’ that had been in the drawer for years and I’m not sure if I’d ever used it before. I started spraying, up – down – up – down – up down very close to my skin and ran out.
When I got home I decided to take off my skirt and put on some jeans. That’s when I discovered that on my legs were stripes all the way around…like prison attire. A very white strip (my skin) next to a very dark stripe (where I sprayed). I knew it did not look this way as I sprayed it on and yanked the tanning bottle out of the drawer. It said to keep bottle 12 to 18 inches and to gently rub in with a sponge. And the kicker: it will gradually darken between 60 and 90 minutes for a deep tan.
So the fascination was actually watching my legs as they grew darker and darker while I kept talking about the dead bodies of some of Saul’s descendants oblivious to what was going on.
Which brings me to my point. I have a daughter who is two things – an angel and a fashionista. I’ve been truly blessed to have her tell me things that in my old age I had no idea of. Fashion fopauz’s (it has many different spellings, but you know what I’m talking about) is what I’m talking about.
From an early age, Elizabeth Anne wanted to dress up every day. She was easy to satisfy as a small child. For birthdays a $2.99 set of pop on nails would bring joy to her heart…even though Elizabeth liked to wear them on her toes!
As a junior high student she once asked if she could talk to me. Well, I was flattered and curious. She said, “Mom, this is important. I want you to make me a promise. Can you do that?” I assured her that I’d certainly try to do what I could. In her most serious tone she asked me to promise to never ever ever ever ever! Never! Wear elastic waistbands. Even when I’m an old person. Ever! I could see this was seriously worrying her and just told her I’d do the very best I could.
Later, visiting her at college, she took one look at me and wanted to know, “Mom! Why are you wearing an Alaskan Tuxedo?” I couldn’t imagine what she meant but she let me know wearing demin on the top and demin on the bottom is, everybody knows this, Mom! an Alaskan Tuxedo.
Another time probably in high school I was getting dressed and she came in to see my in a slip. This totally had her undone. “Mom! What are you doing!!!?? NOBODY wears slips. You’ll be like an alien, crazed person.” I told her that when I don’t have on muslim or other thick fabric from the 1700’s sometimes you can see through a skirt if the sun is out. And that I’m old. “PLEEESE get rid of those slips!!!! It’s embarrassing. Also, Mom, and you should know this: No one EVER EVER EVER wears panty hose. Good grief!”
Well, I didn’t throw them out but recently I found out while I have a very long slip and a very short slip that I don’t have a normal length slip and needed one for wearing under most skirts. So I went to Belk in Alabaster (which I refer to as the Dollar Store, because of the incredible mark-downs). I paced up and down every underwear aisle and no slips were to be found. I sought out a sales clerk, who was a young, probably 20-ish girl and asked if she could show me where the slips were. THIS IS NO LIE: She said, “What’s a slip?” I explained it’s what you wear under your dress or skirt. She was very perplexed. It hit me then: Maybe Elizabeth was right…people will think you are an alien if you wear old people stuff.
I drove home and googled and found plenty of slips at J. C. Penny’s. There are a few of us dinosaurs left, thankfully.
I don’t know what I’d do without my fashion advisor. I only wish she’d been with me the day I was spraying stripes on my legs.
Elizabeth started out fancy. People would ask me, “Why on EARTH do you put make-up on an infant?!”
I didn’t. The angels did that every night. In the morning when she awakened, she had ivory skin, perfect curly blond locks, red (not pink) lips and shiny blue eyelids. She looked exactly like those hand painted porcelain dolls that people collect.
To this day, she is still two things: an angel and a fashionista. Also my life advisor. And best of all, my fun and delightful daughter.