This has a happy ending

Hello, I’m ERA, I’m a grateful believer in Jesus Christ who has struggled with Co-Dependency and OCD.

   I was born a LONG time ago.  My family lived out in the country, in the middle of nowhere on a dirt road off another dirt road.  My Daddy was in WWII.   Today we call what happened to him PTSD.  Back then they called it Shell Shock.  He was in a mental institution for years after that; in fact, that’s where I was conceived.  

  My mom had two little girls and needed him to come home, so she signed him out of Bryce.  He was angry and scary.  He would try to choke us with a handkerchief around our necks and he’d almost drown us by holding our heads underwater.  I remember at the age of 3 hiding all night in the woods behind fallen trees with Mama trembling and saying, “Be still…don’t move.” And I’d follow her eyes and see my Daddy hunting for us with his shotgun. 

  My mom ended up having 4 little girls and she doted on two of them…the one just older than me and the one just younger.  The baby she accepted because she played with my mom’s favorite, the third daughter, Carmen.  I can remember at least 2 times, maybe 3, as a small child asking my Mama, “You love Carole and you love Carmen.  But you don’t love me.  Why not?”  Because it was so so obvious and very hurtful.  She’d always say, “Well, I can love them, and your daddy can love you!”  Smiling as though that should answer my question.  That began to plant the seed of, ‘I would do anything, be anything, if only I had a family that loved me’.  To my thinking it caused me to seek to be accepted so greatly that I, at some point, developed a full-fledged case of codependency.

  We were very poor.  I was 7 before we had indoor plumbing and we had cardboard boxes as furniture.  Back then, (I’m 76 now!) flour came in cloth sacks.  My mom would use the flour, then sew together the cloths to make our clothing.  I was so lonely and felt so left out – that was a huge part of my co-dependency journey. 

   Like I said, we lived way out in the woods.  Our closest neighbor was an elderly lady who had a grandson that has gotten out of prison.  Word was from all the people in our area, that he roamed through the woods all night with no clothes on.  Sounds like a scary movie, right? 

   When I was sixteen, my older sister that I shared a bedroom with left for college.  Our bedroom was far from my two little sisters and my parents’ bedrooms. 

   Shortly after Johnny Carole left, one night, as I was drifting off to sleep, I heard a knock on my bedroom door.  That door led into the kitchen, then into a laundry room and then outside.  Back in those days, we were so poor that we had no locks on doors or windows. 

   I was literally petrified.  Because I was unable to move or to speak.  I just was totally unable to get up and run into the section of the house where my parents were.  Whoever it was left.  I did eventually go to sleep although I tried so hard not to.

   The next day, I told my mom about it.  She told me, “No, you were just dreaming.”  I told her I wasn’t dreaming at all.  But she just laughed it off.

   This occurred for almost a full week every night.  Yet, no matter how hard I tried to get my mom to believe me she just laughed it off.

   I think whoever was knocking was testing things out and had every intention of coming into my bedroom. 

   God knew all about it.  When you don’t have a parent who parents you, God has ways to step in.

   Around the sixth night, for some reason my mom got so angry at my Dad, that she came to sleep in the double bed with me that my sister used to use.  She was infuriated over something my dad had done or said.  I was just so grateful that I’d finally feel safe enough to sleep.  She hadn’t laid there too long when the knocking began.  She jumped up and screamed.  She ran to get Daddy, who grabbed his shotgun and ran toward my room.  Whoever it was was gone.  Then my parents had a loud argument.  My dad telling my mom, “No wonder the kids are afraid with you acting like this.”  Now it was my mom’s turn to try to convince my dad that no, there really was someone there.  Suddenly, she was not mad at him and not wanting to stay in my bed but went to the other end of the house where they had their bedroom.  I told her, “You know someone was here, yet you are okay to leave me alone?”  She said, “Well, whoever it was will be too afraid to come back now.”  I think she was right.  But in my adolescent mind I never felt safe and realized I didn’t have a mom or dad that were even willing to go buy a lock.  But God was my parent that night.  A father to the fatherless.  These types of events, I believe, shoved me toward trying to be perfect and developed into intense OCD practices which is what I’m working on now.  I believe I have forgiven this and other similar incidents that caused the seeds of OCD to grow but still I have yet to fully overcome the mindset that is so deeply rooted in me.

  My dad, if any of us had less than all A’s, would line us all up kneeling against the couch and beat us all…even the ones that did have all A’s with a razor strap till our legs bled.  

  I went to school and was so shy that I never would speak to anyone.  Mostly I stared down at my feet.  I never raised my hand to answer questions and always just stood alone on the playground wishing recess was over.  I watched all the others playing, running and laughing.  One day in first grade, I got up the nerve to approach two of the nicest girls and asked them, “Can I play with y’all?”  One whispered to the other and they both told me, “No.”  I pretended that that was okay and turned to walk away.  I still remember that lump in my throat.  It confirmed there really was something horribly wrong with me.  This furthered my progression toward co-dependency and vowing to be good enough someday that someone would accept me.   

  We went to a very strict, works oriented, legalistic church.  We believed one sin would mean you lost your salvation, and it would send you to hell.  If you sinned, you had to go before the church and be prayed for to restore your salvation. 

  When I left for college, I spread my wings.  I still maintained great grades but did things I considered major sin like going to a dance once with my friends.  I thought I was wild even though we never drank alcohol or smoked cigarettes.    

After my degree from the strict church college, my older sister had already moved north to help build a church in Connecticut.  We believed that our brand of church was THE ONLY one that was right and that everyone else was going to hell. And I believed all the stuff I’d been brainwashed with since I was very young.   

  We called our church THE CHURCH because we believed none of the others were really churches according to the bible.  So, a bunch of kids just out of college all moved to Stamford, Connecticut to build THE church.  This was called The Exodus.  I went too, and worked in the ghettos on my weekends shuttling poor black children to our church and taking them into my home and buying them Christmas gifts, etc.    

  After that church was established, we moved to White Plains, New York, because they didn’t have a church of our denomination; and so we built one there.  I got a job as an IBM Marketing Representative.  People who knew me would say,  “Wow, you’ve really got your life all together!”  I was amazed and thought they were just trying to be nice and wanting me feel better about myself since I was sure they could clearly see that there was something seriously wrong with me.  Then, on vacation, I went to 7 European countries…all of them by myself.  I was used to being alone.    

  I moved back to Alabama and got a job as a Dun and Bradstreet Marketing Representative and later a 3M Marketing Representative covering 4 states.  I had a company car and flew from city to city training various company’s sales staffs on how to market our products.  On weekends, I’d come home, and, to get some form of exercise I became involved in Karate and met my husband in class.  He didn’t have a job, and had nowhere to live so he was sleeping on someone’s porch.  I thought to myself (literally)!  “Wow, I could never get someone great or even normal to marry me…but maybe I could just marry him if only he’ll have me!!!!!   He got a job as a clerk in a hardware store.  We went on dates but didn’t really communicate.  He was extremely negative and criticized me constantly making me feel right at home.  We had to use my car because he didn’t have one.  I was 31 years old and would have literally married anyone but believed that only a homeless person would even consider marrying me.  He got a repairman’s job and we married though he never did propose, he just assumed.  I told myself he just was not a big talker…he was the silent type.

  We’d moved in together prior to our marriage and I drank alcohol and smoked marijuana as well as sleeping with someone I wasn’t married to yet.  The shame was so great but I just wanted someone who I could be a family with.  I still was in the same church and felt so much guilt that I couldn’t bear it.  So, I bought a handgun and went into the woods behind my apartment complex and tried to pull the trigger aiming the barrel at my head.  I knew nothing about safety’s on guns.  It didn’t go off.  So, I took it back the next day and they showed me how to take the safety off.  But the week prior to this, I’d tried to make an appointment for counseling since I knew I was seriously depressed.  They didn’t have one available.  However, I got a call the day I’d been shown how to turn the safety off.  They said that someone had cancelled their appointment last minute, and for me to come in after work.   It was at Briarwood. I’d been too ashamed to call my church for counseling since I was living in sin.  But I figured all the people at a different churches were all sinners anyway and going to hell so I could admit to my sin too. 

  The associate pastor had me pray a prayer and I meant it with my whole being.  Telling the Lord I was a sinner and asking Him to come into my heart and make me new.  As I left, I thought to myself, “Big Deal.  I’ve prayed all my life — prayed for someone to love me, prayed to not be alone, prayed to be included and accepted.”  But that evening I drove the same route to my house I always did.  I stopped at the same traffic light; I saw the people from the same bus stop crossing the street in front of me.  Daily when this had happened, I’d always become annoyed with them, saying things in my head like, “Move it, fat cow!”  This day, I found myself praying, “Lord, that woman looks so tired.  Please give her rest!”  This startled me.  It was foreign, like an alien had invaded my body.  The next day I pulled into the same parking place I’d always parked in at work, and for the first time I noticed there were pansies of many bright colors.  I drew my breath in.  They were so beautiful it almost hurt my eyes.  I looked up at the blue sky and was overcome with the Lord’s goodness to me.  I realized these same flowers had been there a good while, but I’d never noticed them.  That afternoon upon arriving home, I read the next chapter in my bible as I always did.  That day, as I read, I was amazed – the topic was precisely what I’d been wanting to hear and needing to understand.  The chapter fit my situation to a T!  I told myself, “Wow, talk about coincidences!”  But the next day, there was a different problem I was concerned with, and it, too, was exactly addressed.  I was beginning to get the idea that this bible I’d marked up was a Living Book.  Day Three:  Same!  I told myself, Wow, God fixed the entire bible just to correspond with MY life!!!!  All the other people throughout the centuries had to dig around to find answers, but He’s made it so that it perfectly aligns with my issues as they occur for every single day!  Well, I was a baby Christian, but Jesus was letting me enjoy the honeymoon stage of New Life.

  Even though everyone kept quoting to me about ‘Do not be unequally yoked together with non-believers’, the draw to have my very own person and be in a family overrode that scripture.  Sadly.  So I married a professed non-believer and had 2 beautiful girls.

  When I married, I’d fully expected to be beaten and to be cheated on.  I was amazed that didn’t happen.  I think I was so hung up on SUBMIT, SUBMIT, SUBMIT that I’d prepared myself to just take whatever as long as I just had a family of my own.  So, I developed a prayer I said first thing in the morning and last thing at night, as well as all day every day.  It was, “Lord, just let me be a servant in my home.”  I meant it with my whole heart.

  I know that sounds humble, giving, sweet, etc.  But let me tell you, a Mom needs to be a Mom.  And a Wife needs to be a Wife.  But it took many, many years to figure that out. 

  On our 25^th anniversary, we went on a cruise.  The day of our anniversary, I got up the nerve to ask him, Please, please say ‘I love you!.’  I just wanted to hear it one time.  He wouldn’t do it.  I cried like a baby.  But told myself, “You are pathetic – so needy.”   And I quickly reminded myself…remember you are to be a servant in your home – straighten yourself up.  

  Childrearing was hard.  Taylor didn’t believe in rules, consequences, discipline or punishment.  I’d take away the radio when our oldest would sass me.  She’d call her dad at work and he’d drive home, not speak to me, find the radio and give it back to her.  Then return to his office.  He’d started his own repair shop.  I worked for him, doing all the accounting, sales, shipping, taxes, cleaning, phones, filing, office work, and customer service.  I was now not only a servant in my home…which was my deepest desire in life, but also a servant at the office, and really loved it.  My oldest daughter, Rebecca, told me later as a grown woman the reason she hated me so much was because I never stood up to her Dad and it disgusted her.  She wanted to be the polar opposite of the person I was.

    Actually, now I can admit, I was just a coward.

  I went to a Christian Counseling service for advice and was told that we, as marriage partners, needed to be on the same page.  Taylor would not even consider getting on my page – the Christian page.  But they kept coming back to the fact that we had to be on the same page.  I realized a united front was best and also realized he would never bend….or even discuss things.  So, I thought, well, I’ll get on HIS page.  The Page Of Do Nothing.  My hands were tied and I watched as Rebecca became more and more rebellious and made terrible decisions that led her into a life that wasn’t using all the abilities God had placed in her.  It broke my heart to see where she was headed.  But I never had to courage to rock the boat…after all I was a servant – just what I’d prayed for so earnestly.

  Shortly after that Anne, our youngest, wanted to go to a rock concert in Atlanta with a friend that I really didn’t approve of.  Her dad saw nothing wrong, so I got on the page. The PAGE OF DO NOTHING.   BUT… I GOT ON MY KNEES too.  And when I got up, the HOLY SPIRT OVERCAME ME AND there alone in my house, I heard myself, yelling out the words, “I command Heaven and Hell right here right now!  Get her on YOUR page, Lord…However and whatever it takes!”  That boldness was foreign to me.  I would never have come up with yelling or with those words.  But those words and that awesome bold power worked.  Both Anne and her friend had worked long and hard to pay for the expensive tickets but got lost in the Atlanta traffic and by the time they’d gotten to the concert, everyone was outside due to a small fire that had started at the venue.  And they’d used all the money they’d hoped to get a hotel room with on gas and had only enough to get more gas to drive home with.  Thank you, Jesus!  By the way, today she’s an elder in a large Nashville church and the most godly young woman you’ll ever meet!

  Anne also had another friend that was always in trouble and wanted to go to the mall with her.  I got on my husband’s page, THE PAGE OF DO NOTHING. And again, GOT ON MY KNEES.  Later, even before I got up off my knees, there was a call from the police department.  She was with her friend who shoplifted something from Claire’s at the Galleria.  She had to do community service.  Even more than her friend who was the one who actually took the item, because the official at family court didn’t like the way Anne was disrespecting me.

  Anne went to get her bellybutton pierced and must have used a fake ID because she was only 15.  I knew nothing about it till a week later when she was in the ER because it had gotten so badly infected, and she’d been in pain all that time.  They had to take it out and it left her belly button looking awful from then on.  Had to wear clothing that covered her up pretty good because of it!  Horray!

  After Rebecca left home at 16, I still had a chance to influence her younger sister, Anne.  But she was having trouble getting to school on time.  We’d bought her a little black BMW convertible and she’d had to go to Saturday detention for tardiness many times.  I didn’t want her to turn out like Rebecca and was determined to do whatever it took to help her not get kicked out of Briarwood School.  I knew taking away privileges was not permitted so I’d try to wake her up.  Since I knew she’d never leave till she ate, I’d bring in a bowl of cereal and sit on her bed.   She’d open her mouth as she lay in bed with eyes closed and I’d wait while she chewed it up and then she’d open her mouth again and I’d quickly place another spoonful in.  I’d get her shoes and put them on her feet while she lay in bed.  I knew this was so pathetic but wanted at least one daughter to not fail.  I was a servant in my home –that was the sick mindset that caused this irrational behavior. 

  After 25 years of marriage, I took the advice of a counselor at Briarwood and told Taylor to leave over some serious things.  After a few weeks, he agreed to counsel with a man at the church I was attending, Liberty, and gave his life to the Lord (I thought).  We were at every service, we knelt to pray together every night.  I was so happy!  I felt my prayers had been answered.  Every night after work, Taylor would spend two hours in our study doing bible reading and prayer.  (I thought.) 

  Then, after 29 years of marriage, I was at my very good church on a Wednesday night.  We had dinners before classes, and I looked around at so many divorced people.  I listened in at the table while a woman was telling her husband how he’d messed up something.  Guys, PRIDE comes before a FALL.  I thought to myself:  If all the women in the world only treated their husbands as wonderfully as I treat mine, no one would ever get a divorce.  About 3 months later, my husband came home from going to his 40^th high school reunion and said the very surprising words, “I’m divorcing you.  I’m engaged.  My high school sweetheart that I’ve always loved my entire life is finally divorced.  She’s selling her house, quitting her job, moving here.”  I should have been angry, but you see I’d been so accommodating all these years.  I was unable to believe it and told myself that most likely he had a brain tumor.  How could he not want someone who never argued with him, never challenged him, always agreed with him, did his every bidding every moment of my day?  When I asked him what I’d done wrong…what I needed to change, he said, ‘nothing at all…it’s just that I’ve always loved her’.  I’d wondered why he hadn’t wanted me to go with him to the reunion out of state.  Those nightly two hours in the study were actually spent on the computer with his girlfriend!  That night when he’d returned and told me about his plans, I put my head on the pillow and asked God to do what He’d commanded us to do which is “Above all things, guard your heart.”  I needed God to Guard MY heart as I was so distressed.  In response to that prayer, I distinctly hear Him tell me, “Nurture Yourself.”  That was so kind and it was needed.  I needed to serve myself for once!

  As Taylor and I went through the divorce, he finally admitted that he was sick of the Lord having his life.  He wanted it back!  He was done with Jesus, done with God, done with the Bible, the Church and the Holy Spirit.  When he rejected me, that was so painful; but this was like a death blow to my heart. 

  I went to see a counselor at my church who explained that no man wants to be married to a doormat.  When he’s at the altar, he doesn’t want a maid, a workaholic, a washerwoman.  He wants a wife he can be partners with.  Not someone whose every thought is, “How can I better serve him?”  A person who has opinions, likes, dislikes.  Not a human robot.  Honestly, I couldn’t understand that!  It seemed unscriptural.  I’d believed I’d been so godly, giving, considerate, that I couldn’t get past the denial stage of grief.  We had to split everything such as the furniture and again, not being able to get out of the servant role, as he drove away to get a moving truck to take his choice of furnishings, etc., I immediately grabbed the Windex and furniture polish to be sure all his stuff was shining and in its best condition.  I just didn’t want to look back and see how I could have acted better and in a more loving way.  I wanted no regrets on my part…we were still married after all. 

  His company was very small and no one but me knew how to do the taxes, etc. so I kept working there every day for him in the months his new bride-to-be was arranging to move from West Virginia.  I wanted to serve.  When my friends or family wanted to say bad things about him, I wouldn’t let them.  I didn’t want my heart to have any resentment, hatred, bitterness, or animosity.   I needed the Lord’s presence abiding there so desperately.

   It took two years before I realized that God knew what He was doing and what He was allowing in my life.  I needed to become a real person.  God knew I was only an attachment to Taylor, not standing on my own two feet before my Lord. 

  During the weeks we were still living in the same house waiting on the court date, I went to Celebrate Recovery with a friend that I met at Divorce Care at Brook Hills Church, Emme.  I became friends with several ladies in that class and we’d met for dinner every Friday night.  We’d cry and tell what was going on in our lives.  That was 17 years ago.  Some of us still meet occasionally for lunch, only now we laugh and tell each other what’s going on in our lives. 

  At my first visit to CR, I went in with Emme who’d invited me to the Co-Dependent group.  I had NO IDEA I was co-dependent.  Until they read the list of characteristics.  I was stunned.  Then it was time to go around the room.  I loved that I could tell what was happening in my life to a group who heard me and yet didn’t give me advice or a scripture they were sure would fix me right up.  I wasn’t told to pray more…I was heard.  And, you know what, I was INCLUDED…and didn’t have to be a servant!   That was a very good feeling.

 But a word of warning…even after we get our breakthrough, we have to keep being diligent.  At least that was true of my journey.  I hadn’t really done the work of overcoming codependency…my husband left, the kids grew up and left.  So, it wasn’t really possible to live each day for them – the Lord actually freed me.

  BUT, a few months into rejoining CR here at Metro as I’d say, “I’m celebrating recovery from codependency” in our introductions and the Holy Spirit would whisper, “Really?  When Emme didn’t want to go to the place you wanted to go to – did you speak up?  Did you remind her that YOU’ve never chosen where to meet for lunch – that she always does?”  I was startled because it had never occurred to me.  But I let it go.

  The next week during our introductions again, after my telling about overcoming codependency, the Holy Spirit whispered to my mind once again, “Oh really?  Because after driving across town to her side of town for Saturday lunches, and you asked if she could come over closer to your house, she said, ‘No, that’s just too inconvenient for me.’ 

  This went on week after week with many such issues until I began to see that I hadn’t really done the work of confronting and verbalizing the treatment from Taylor…or really even identifying it.  I’d only really been rescued by the Lord out of a home situation that I’d found ideal and wonderful!  So, the question now was, “Will you confront?”  Sadly, the answer was “No”.  Why?  Because, again, I was just a coward.

  Things began to escalate and I could no longer accept that Emme was constantly interrupting me…I’d never noticed before.  Our conversations were always about her life, her problems with me just sympathizing and never getting into my struggles.  But now that CR Metro had made me aware, I had to take the step of ADMIT.  Yes, I am still codependent!  And to notice Emme finishing my sentences for me, etc. etc. etc.  I’m ashamed to ADMIT that I wanted to bring this up, but was again, just a coward.   The Lord had been prompting me for several months.  Finally, our mutual friend Mia and I received a scathing text from Emme telling us that we had not been good friends.  That she did everything for us and we didn’t even care etc.  WOW.  That was a huge shock.  She went on to tell us what a wonderful friend she was and how we didn’t appreciate her, etc.  Well, she didn’t even text us separately.  So, I was able to see Mia’s response to her.  Mia was having the SAME EXACT problem with Emme that I was.  Namely, not having OUR WORDS, OUR OPINIONS, OUR THOUGHTS considered or even acknowledged.  I couldn’t have brought this up myself, but I could say, “Yeah, Me too!”  Problem was, with all this build-up I said QUITE a lot more.  Days’ worth of more!  Sounds mean…but frankly I was so proud of myself that I’d taken a stance for ME as a person.  Both our friendships with Emme ended up ending after almost 17 years.  But the Lord had been showing me for close to a year that I needed to end it.  He had to give me the shove to take the steps.  Maybe next time I’ll be able to react better and hopefully earlier – I’d like to be able to confront this the first time the Lord shows me.  But hey, that’s why I need you guys.  That’s why I need to go around in the small groups and ADMIT.  Not think, “Well, this is just silly.  No big deal.”  I’m here to say that when the Lord shows you something, it IS a big deal.  A big deal to Him.  A big deal to the kingdom of God.  And it shows that we need to KEEP COMING BACK b/c these attributes we developed even as small children are embedded and need our attention.  We need to not brush off nudges from God.  I can attest to one thing tonight, CR absolutely works.  And I’m urging you and reminding myself not to shrug off those little nudges from the Lord.  He is worthy to be acknowledged and to be noticed. And to be obeyed.